Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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