My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
