theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
