I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
