Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
