New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
BRING THE BAGELS
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
