I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
