Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
