how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
