my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
