i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
