textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
