i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
