His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
