I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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