Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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