Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
