I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
