need another drink. this is the easiest way
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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