Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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