My Higher Power is John Stamos
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
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