Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
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Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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