Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
