mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
