We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
