6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
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Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
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I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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