There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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