I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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