i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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