I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
why do cheetos always look like penises
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
