You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
