Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
