he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
