My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
