I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
time to smoke my breakfast
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
