In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
