Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
