I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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