So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
