Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
