I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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