i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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