I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
