so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
