Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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