so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
