come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
