He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
And then he peed in my hair
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