Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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