...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
This toilet bowl is my home.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
