he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
