and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
