i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
